Conflict Resolution
Conflict Resolution Techniques and Tips
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Lloyd Allen
12/28/202410 min read
CONFLICT RESOLUTION TECHNIQUES
How to resolve conflict and restore relationships
Conflict resolution skills: One of the most important life skills for happiness in this life. If we are to live and interact successfully with people, learning how to resolve conflicts is crucial.
In Marriage, your ability to resolve conflicts will determine whether you will be able to maintain the relationship.
Three things happen when we fail to resolve conflicts:
We become Distant. Living emotional distant from the person you should be close to. Demanding and Defensive
Two kinds of people in a relationship. You are either a Disaster or a Master of relationships.
Unresolved conflicts damage our lives:
1. Blocks my relationship with God (1 John 4: 20). We cannot love God while hating people. We cannot be right with God and wrong with people.
2. Blocks our prayers (1 Peter 3: 7).
3. Blocks our happiness. We reap what we sow (James 3: 18). Sowing & Reaping. We normally get back more than we sow. If we sow gossip, we reap gossip. If we saw anger in our children and spouse, we get anger back and we normally get back more than we Plant. Example, corn.
A general principle to remember when resolving conflicts:
Take a solution focused approach
Have Restorative conversation
Focus on healing
Ask: Can I repair it when you get upset? Repair as you go
Love is like a tender plant. Easily damaged if not treated with TLC.
Some are in the Ego Trap. They want to vilify everyone they meet. Their ego will not let them repair the relationship.
They do not repair it because of the lack of knowledge and perspective to do so differently. They need training on relationship improvement.
1. Make The First Move
Reconciliation in our relationship is more important than worship. “Leave your gift”. Reconciliation is priority.
Matthew 5: 23, 24 “Leave thy gift, first be reconciled to….”
Matt.5: 9 “Blessed are the peacemakers.” (Not avoiding or appeasing)
The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it, to go through it.
Conflicts are never resolved accidentally. They do not resolve themselves.
Some are fearful. Fear can keep you from resolving conflicts
Some demonstrate fear because of the possible response from their partner.
2. Take responsibility for at least a part of the problem.
Exercise humility. 95 percent of conflicts can be resolved when we possess humility.
Begin with: “What is my fault?”
Put away pride. Get out of the ego trap.
James 4:1
Proverbs 13: 10
3. Listen to their hurt and perspective
Be considerate of the doubts and fears of others.
James 1:19 “Quick to hear, slow to speak”.
Know what hurt them that made them hurt you.
Start with their need, hurt and their interest.
Do you want to be a good salesman? Focus on their interest, not yours.
Listen to the emotion behind the words.
The true meaning is normally behind the rhetoric.
Proverbs 18: 13 “Get the full story”.
Be ready to learn. Be teachable
Always listen before speaking. That is the key to resolving conflicts. You show you love them by listening to them.
Seek more to understand than to be understood.
4. Speak the truth tactfully
Do everything to preserve love what can separate us from the love of God
Two imperfect people cannot make a perfect marriage, so set some ground rules.
You are never persuasive when you are abrasive.
Some say, “I’m going to speak it like it is”. No. You speak it in love.
You never get your point across by being cross.
Proverbs 12: 18 “Don’t be reckless”. Reckless words pierce like a sword”.
Foolish words hurt. Wise words heal.
If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively.
Ephesians 4:29 (Not harmful words, but helpful words”.
5. Attack problem, not people.
Never use the “You” statements. Instead, use the “I” statements.
Express how you feel. No one can deny how you feel.
Matthew 12: 37. “For by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned.”
Truth without Love is resisted
Truth with Love is received
6. Be ready to forgive and apologize
Apology is so important in a relationship that, typically a ruptured relationship cannot be repaired except through genuine apology. On the other hand, apology has the power to melt away resentment, bitterness and grudge and pave the way for restoration and reconciliation.
Apology is an acknowledgement that you are not perfect. The vulnerability created is a necessary step towards relinquishing the old mistakes and replacing them with a new perspective. Simply put, it is an opportunity for us to grow.
There are five (5) components of an apology:
1. Expressing regret. Say what you are apologizing for and be specific about it. David declared before God, 'I am guilty of blood-guiltiness" (Psalm 51). This demonstrates sincerity, remorse and empathy, without which our apology is only an empty platitude.
2. Taking responsibility. You understand how your behavior has inflicted pain and has hurt the relationship, and you take full responsibility for your action. You don't attempt to defend your behavior by deflecting blame or finding excuses. Example, If you didn't do that I would not have done this". You face the issues squarely and you are ready to deal with the consequences.
3. Making restitution. Here, you ask the question, "Is there something I can do to make it right?" The rich young ruler, in conversation with Jesus, was ready to make it right.
4. Changing our behavior. If you are genuinely repentant you will possess an ardent desire to change your behavior. You make a promise that there will not be a repeat performance. "Godly sorrow worked repentance" ( Text). If your behavior does not convince the other person that you have made a right about turn, then you have not really apologized.
5. Requesting forgiveness. There are some who never feel like you have apologized except you ask for forgiveness. If this is how your spouse views apology, then you must literally request their forgiveness.
There is power in apology to turn your marriage around. You cannot change your partner, but you can influence them towards reconciliation by your sincere apology.
Some Conflict Resolution Tips to Remember
A. Do not raise your voice improve your argument
B. Do not yell. TALK. You resolve issues through dialogue
C. Remember it is not so much about the volume of your speech, or the echo of your voice, but the validity of your argument
D. Do not dictate. Persuade
E. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Do not take everything personal
F. If both of you were to think alike, then one of you would be unnecessary.
G. You would not want to be living with a robot.
H. Avoid blanket statements like “Never; Always”
I. Be a great listener (If she is upset and ready to talk….)
J. You must possess humility
K. You mut communicate. Your spouse is not a mind-reader
L. Do not make assumption. Get the facts
M. You converse, not to condemn, but to understand. A man yearns to e understood. She needs a great listener.
N. Psalm 147: 3 Our words can heal/bind up
O. Isa. 61:1 Bind up the broken heart
P. Never hold grudge o keep malice
Respect each other’s differences. Seek to achieve harmony in diversity
Bible References
1 Corinthian 15: 33 Evil communication corrupt good manners
Ephesians 4: 29 let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth
Matthew 12: 37. “For by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned.”
Proverbs 12: 18 “Don’t be reckless”. Reckless words pierce like a sword”.
Matthew 5: 23, 24 “Leave thy gift, first be reconciled to….”
Matt.5: 9 “Blessed are the peacemakers.”
James 1:19 “Quick to hear, slow to speak”.
Never shame your spouse. Remember, you must possess emotional intelligence.
Ephesians 4: 29 No corrupt communication should proceed out of your mouth.
Do everything to preserve love.
“What can separate us from the love of God”.
Bible references cont’d
John 13: 35 “Ye are my disciples…Love another”.
2 Corinthians 5: 18 “The ministry of reconciliation”
Gen. 3 “I hid because I was afraid”
2 Timothy 1:7 “Ask God for wisdom”.
James 1:7 “Ask God for wisdom”
James 4:1 “What’s my fault?”
Proverbs 13:10 Pride- The primary cause of conflict.
Proverbs 18: 13 Get the full story. Listen before answering
Eph 2: 4-5 Look to the intent of others. Intentionally switch your focus from yours to theirs. “Scopas” Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
Proverbs 31 Praise your spouse/Respect
Matt 5: 23,24 Leave your gifts at the altar
Matt 5:9 Peacemakers
1 John 4 20 Love God/ Love people.
James 3: 18 Plan seeds of peace.
Proverbs 12: 18 Reckless words pierce like a sword.
Ephesians 4: 29 Not harmful words, but helpful words
Eze 36: 26 Humility
Proverbs 15: 1 A Soft answer
Proverbs 26: 20 Where there’s wood
Matt 10: 16 Be wise as a serpent
Prov 16: 24 Put a watch on your tongue
Matt 18: 15 Tell him his fault- he and thee alone
Bible References
Conflict resolution with the family
King James Bible 2 Corinthians 5: 18 “The ministry of reconciliation”
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
Proverbs 18: 13 Get the full story. Listen before answering
New King James Version He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him. New American Standard Bible One who gives an answer before he hears, It is foolishness and shame to him.
Matt 5: 23,24 Leave your gifts at the altar
23“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
Matt 18: 15 Tell him his fault- he and thee alone
15“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16“But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED.
Proverbs 12:18
18 Speaking rashly is like a piercing sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing
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(Re-written)
How to Resolve Conflict and Restore Relationships
The Importance of Conflict Resolution
Key Life Skill: Conflict resolution is essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. It is foundational for personal happiness and successful interactions with others.
Marriage and Relationships: The ability to resolve conflicts directly impacts the longevity and health of a marital relationship.
Consequences of Unresolved Conflict
Emotional Distance: Unresolved conflicts can create emotional barriers, leading to defensiveness and detachment.
Two Types of People: In relationships, individuals are either:
Masters: Those skilled at resolving conflicts.
Disasters: Those who allow unresolved issues to erode relationships.
How Conflict Harms Our Lives
Blocks Relationship with God: (1 John 4:20) We cannot love God while harboring hatred or resentment towards others.
Hinders Prayer: (1 Peter 3:7) Unresolved conflicts can block prayers.
Damages Happiness: (James 3:18) The principle of sowing and reaping applies—negative actions lead to negative outcomes.
Principles for Resolving Conflicts
Adopt a Solution-Focused Approach: Aim for restorative conversations and focus on healing.
Prioritize Reconciliation: (Matthew 5:23-24) Reconciliation should come before other priorities.
Face Conflicts Directly: Avoidance does not resolve issues; address them head-on.
Steps to Resolve Conflicts
Make the First Move:
Take initiative to reconcile, even when fearful of the other person's response.
(Matthew 5:9) Blessed are the peacemakers.
Take Responsibility:
Exercise humility by acknowledging your part in the conflict.
(James 4:1, Proverbs 13:10) Pride is a major cause of conflict.
Listen to Their Hurt and Perspective:
Be considerate of the emotions behind their words. (James 1:19)
Seek to understand their needs and fears before expressing your own.
Speak the Truth Tactfully:
Avoid recklessness in speech. (Proverbs 12:18)
Speak in love, not abrasiveness. (Ephesians 4:29)
Attack the Problem, Not the Person:
Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming. (Matthew 12:37)
Truth delivered with love is more likely to be received.
Be Ready to Forgive and Apologize:
Genuine apologies involve:
Expressing regret.
Taking responsibility.
Offering restitution.
Committing to behavioral change.
Requesting forgiveness.
Conflict Resolution Tips
Avoid raising your voice or yelling; use calm and valid arguments.
Disagree without being disagreeable—respect differences.
Avoid absolute statements like "never" or "always."
Communicate openly and honestly—don't assume or dictate.
Seek to understand before being understood.
Biblical References for Conflict Resolution
Reconciliation: (Matthew 5:23-24, 2 Corinthians 5:18) Prioritize repairing relationships.
Communication: (Proverbs 18:13, Ephesians 4:29) Listen before speaking; use words that heal.
Humility: (Ezekiel 36:26, Proverbs 15:1) Approach conflicts with a soft and humble attitude.
Forgiveness: (Psalm 147:3, Isaiah 61:1) Words and actions can heal broken hearts and relationships.
Final Thoughts
Conflict resolution is not just about repairing damage; it's about fostering understanding, respect, and love.
Applying these principles can lead to stronger, more harmonious relationships rooted in humility, effective communication, and a commitment to reconciliation.
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Additional Tips
Resolving conflict in marriage requires effort, understanding, and a willingness to work together. Here are some practical and workable tips and techniques to help address and resolve issues effectively:
1. Create a Safe Space for Communication
Avoid blaming: Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when...”).
Set ground rules: Agree to avoid shouting, interrupting, or using derogatory language.
Time it right: Choose a calm moment to discuss issues, not during heated moments.
2. Practice Active Listening
Listen without interrupting: Give your partner the space to express themselves fully.
Reflect back: Repeat what they say to confirm understanding (e.g., “I hear you saying that…”).
Acknowledge emotions: Validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree.
3. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
Avoid personal attacks: Keep the discussion centered on the issue, not character flaws.
Collaborate: Approach the issue as a team (e.g., “How can we solve this together?”).
4. Use a Calm Tone and Body Language
Stay composed: Take deep breaths if emotions rise.
Be mindful of nonverbal cues: Maintain open body language and avoid defensive postures.
5. Compromise and Negotiate
Find common ground: Identify solutions that work for both of you.
Be flexible: Be willing to give up some preferences for the greater good of the relationship.
6. Take Breaks When Needed
Pause during escalations: If the discussion gets too heated, agree to take a time-out.
Set a time to resume: Don’t leave issues unresolved; revisit them when both are calm.
7. Seek to Understand, Not Win
Avoid competition: Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective, not “winning” the argument.
Show empathy: Try to see the issue through their eyes.
8. Apologize and Forgive
Apologize sincerely: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.
Forgive actively: Release grudges and move forward, understanding that forgiveness strengthens trust.
9. Reconnect Physically and Emotionally
Physical touch: A hug, hand-hold, or comforting gesture can defuse tension.
Reaffirm love: Regularly remind each other of your commitment and love.
10. Get Professional Help if Needed
Couples therapy: A trained therapist can offer unbiased guidance and tools for effective conflict resolution.
Workshops or books: Learn from expert resources to improve communication and relationship skills.
Key Principles to Remember
Conflict is natural: Healthy relationships encounter disagreements, but they’re opportunities for growth.
Focus on growth: Use conflicts as a way to better understand and strengthen your bond.
Maintain respect: Even in disagreement, mutual respect is essential.