Couples' Questions

Here are some key questions couples can use as part of a strategy to address and repair significant marriage issues. These questions are designed to foster open communication, empathy, and problem-solving:

Understanding the Core Issue

1. What do you think is the root cause of our conflict?

2. How do you feel when we discuss this issue?

3. What specific actions or behaviors have contributed to the problem?

4. What do you think we are misunderstanding about each other?

Expressing Needs and Concerns

5. What do you need most from me right now?

6. How can I make you feel more supported and valued?

7. What are your biggest fears about our relationship?

8. What are some things I do that hurt you, even if unintentionally?

Fostering Empathy and Connection

9. Can you help me understand your perspective better?

10. What do you think I’m struggling with in this situation?

11. What do you miss about our relationship when it was at its best?

12. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?

Problem-Solving Together

13. What changes would make the biggest difference for you?

14. How can we work together to rebuild trust?

15. What boundaries or agreements do we need to establish to feel secure?

16. What steps can we take, individually and together, to resolve this?

Building a Positive Vision for the Future

17. What kind of relationship do you want us to have in the next year, five years, or beyond?

18. What shared goals or dreams can we focus on to strengthen our bond?

19. What are the small things we can do daily to reconnect?

20. How can we celebrate our progress as we work on improving our relationship?

Tips for Success:

• Set the right tone: Approach the conversation with curiosity and a willingness to listen, not to accuse or blame.

• Create a safe space: Choose a calm and private setting to ensure both partners feel comfortable being vulnerable.

• Be patient: Deep issues often take time to resolve and require ongoing effort.

• Seek help if needed: Consider working with a couples’ therapist or counselor to guide these discussions effectively.

To make the key questions more effective in resolving or repairing marriage issues, couples can use certain exercises and communication techniques. These practices can help partners listen actively, express their emotions healthily, and foster connection and understanding. Here are some helpful strategies:

1. Active Listening Exercise

Purpose: Encourage better understanding and empathy.

How to do it:

• One partner speaks for 3-5 minutes about their feelings or perspective on an issue, while the other partner listens without interrupting.

• After the speaker finishes, the listener reflects back what they heard using phrases like: “What I heard you say is…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling…”

• The speaker then confirms if the listener understood correctly, or offers clarification if needed.

• Switch roles after each turn.

Benefit: This exercise helps each partner feel heard and understood, fostering a deeper emotional connection.

2. "I Feel" Statements

Purpose: Promote non-blaming, constructive communication.

How to do it:

• When addressing an issue, use "I feel" statements rather than "You always" or "You never" to avoid sounding accusatory.

• For example: “I feel frustrated when we don’t communicate clearly about our plans” vs. “You never listen to me.”

• This shifts the focus to the speaker’s emotions and avoids putting the other person on the defensive.

Benefit: Using "I feel" statements minimizes defensiveness and creates a space for vulnerability and understanding.

3. The "Compliment and Critique" Method

Purpose: Balance feedback with positive reinforcement.

How to do it:

• Begin by sharing something positive or appreciative about your partner. For example: "I really appreciate how hard you've been working lately."

• Then, follow it up with a gentle critique or request for change: "At the same time, I feel like we’ve been disconnected, and I’d love to spend more quality time together."

• Always end with a positive note or affirmation.

Benefit: This technique softens criticism and reinforces the positive aspects of the relationship, making it easier for the other person to hear and respond constructively.

4. Time-Out Technique

Purpose: Manage escalating emotions during difficult conversations.

How to do it:

• If the conversation is becoming too heated, agree beforehand that either partner can call for a "time-out."

• During the break, each partner takes a few minutes (5-15 minutes) to calm down, breathe, and reflect.

• After the time-out, reconvene and continue the conversation with a focus on calm, respectful communication.

Benefit: The time-out technique prevents conversations from escalating into arguments and allows both partners to return with a clearer, calmer mindset.

5. The 20-Minute Rule

Purpose: Encourage meaningful, undistracted conversation.

How to do it:

• Set aside 20 minutes each day for uninterrupted time to talk. During this time, put away phones, turn off TV, and focus solely on each other.

• Use this time to address any current issues or just to check in with each other’s emotional states.

• This can be done in a relaxed setting like over dinner, on a walk, or before bed.

Benefit: Regular, dedicated time for conversation keeps the lines of communication open and ensures that both partners feel emotionally connected.

6. The "Appreciation Jar"

Purpose: Reaffirm positive feelings and appreciation in the relationship.

How to do it:

• Set up a jar where each partner regularly writes down positive things they appreciate about the other (e.g., “I appreciate your patience today” or “Thank you for making dinner”).

• Every week, sit down together and read the notes aloud to each other.

Benefit: Focusing on appreciation reinforces the positive aspects of the relationship and can help balance the challenges being faced.

7. Love Languages Check-In

Purpose: Identify and address differing emotional needs.

How to do it:

• Use the concept of the five love languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) to assess how each partner feels loved and appreciated.

• After discussing your individual love languages, make efforts to express love in the way your partner feels it most.

Benefit: Understanding and meeting each other’s emotional needs can strengthen the relationship and help resolve issues by showing love in a way that resonates deeply.

8. "What If" Future Visioning Exercise

Purpose: Build a shared vision of the future to inspire hope and collaboration.

How to do it:

• Each partner takes turns asking: “What if we could solve this issue? What would our ideal relationship look like?”

• Then, describe what your future together could be like if you were able to work through the current challenges. Be specific about your goals, feelings, and actions.

• Compare each other’s vision and discuss how you can work together toward that future.

Benefit: This exercise helps couples focus on their shared goals and reinforces a sense of partnership in overcoming challenges.

9. The Weekly Relationship Check-In

Purpose: Keep communication open and ongoing.

How to do it:

• Set aside time once a week to discuss the state of your relationship—what’s going well, what could be improved, and any concerns.

• Each partner answers a set of questions: “What am I doing that you appreciate?” “What can I do to make you feel more loved this week?” “Are there any issues we need to address?”

• Use this as an opportunity to express gratitude and make any adjustments before issues build up.

Benefit: Regular check-ins prevent small issues from becoming major problems and help maintain a sense of connection and mutual support.

10. Rebuilding Trust Exercise

Purpose: Address breaches of trust and foster healing.

How to do it:

• Write down the specific actions or behaviors that led to the loss of trust.

• Each partner then explains how they felt about the breach and how they’ve been working to heal or rebuild trust.

• Together, establish clear steps or commitments that can help rebuild trust, such as regular transparency, setting boundaries, or participating in couples therapy.

Benefit: A structured approach to rebuilding trust can promote healing and give both partners a clear path forward.

These exercises and techniques can be helpful tools for couples trying to address major marriage issues. The key is consistency and openness—both partners need to commit to the process and make space for vulnerability and change