How to find the right spouse

Finding a good life partner is an important journey. Here are some tips and techniques, along with red flags to avoid and positive signs to look for.

PREMARITAL

Lloyd Allen

12/29/20247 min read

a man riding a skateboard down the side of a ramp
a man riding a skateboard down the side of a ramp

Finding the right spouse

Tips and Techniques

  1. Know Your Values and Goals:

    • Reflect on your core values and life goals. Understanding yourself helps you recognize compatibility.

    • Be clear about what you want in a partner (e.g., shared faith, family goals, lifestyle preferences).

  2. Focus on Building a Friendship First:

    • Strong relationships often start with a solid foundation of friendship.

    • Observe how she interacts in different situations, including with family and friends.

  3. Evaluate Character and Compatibility:

    • Look for traits such as kindness, honesty, and responsibility.

    • Assess whether you share similar views on important topics like finances, children, and religion.

  4. Be Patient and Intentional:

    • Avoid rushing into a relationship. Take time to truly know someone.

    • Date with intention rather than casually, keeping future compatibility in mind.

  5. Communicate Openly:

    • Foster honest and open communication to understand each other better.

    • Discuss long-term expectations and handle conflicts respectfully.

Red Flags to Avoid

  1. Dishonesty or Manipulation:

    • Lies, half-truths, or attempts to manipulate situations are major red flags.

    • Trust and honesty are foundational in any healthy relationship.

  2. Poor Conflict Resolution:

    • If she avoids or escalates conflicts in unhealthy ways, it may signal trouble in long-term problem-solving.

  3. Negative Treatment of Others:

    • Watch how she treats people like waitstaff, family, or strangers. Disrespect toward others can reflect deeper character flaws.

  4. Lack of Accountability:

    • Blaming others for her problems or refusing to take responsibility for mistakes is a warning sign.

  5. Excessive Jealousy or Controlling Behavior:

    • Over-controlling actions or unwarranted jealousy indicate a lack of trust and emotional insecurity.

  6. Unstable Lifestyle or Habits:

    • Financial irresponsibility, substance abuse, or inconsistent priorities can create long-term challenges.

Positive Signs to Look For

  1. Kindness and Empathy:

    • A good wife demonstrates compassion, understanding, and care for others.

    • She’s supportive of your goals and celebrates your successes.

  2. Shared Values and Goals:

    • Alignment on major life areas, such as family, faith, and career, creates a strong partnership.

    • Look for someone who respects and encourages your growth.

  3. Emotional Maturity:

    • She manages her emotions well and communicates effectively.

    • Look for resilience, grace under pressure, and the ability to handle disagreements calmly.

  4. Consistency and Integrity:

    • Her words align with her actions, and she demonstrates reliability.

    • She’s truthful even in challenging situations.

  5. Healthy Independence:

    • A strong partner has her own passions, hobbies, and friends.

    • She respects your need for personal space and time.

  6. Strong Family and Social Connections:

    • A positive relationship with her family and friends can reflect her interpersonal skills and values.

    • Notice how others speak about her and her character.

Practical Actions

  1. Seek Guidance:

    • Ask trusted mentors, family members, or friends for their opinions.

    • If applicable, involve a faith leader or counselor.

  2. Observe Over Time:

    • See how she behaves in different situations, especially under stress.

    • Long-term consistency reveals true character.

  3. Mutual Growth:

    • Be the type of person you’d like to attract. Work on your own emotional health, goals, and character.

  4. Prioritize Compatibility Over Perfection:

    • Nobody is perfect. Look for someone whose strengths complement yours and with whom you can grow together.

For men in the Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) faith, finding a good wife involves spiritual alignment as well as practical compatibility. Here are tips tailored to your beliefs:

Tips and Techniques for SDA Men

  1. Seek Spiritual Compatibility:

    • Look for someone who shares your commitment to Christ and the principles of the SDA faith.

    • Ensure she values Sabbath observance, health principles, and church community involvement.

  2. Pray for Guidance:

    • Regularly ask God to guide you to the right person. Trust His timing and plan.

    • Be open to His leading, even if it differs from your expectations.

  3. Engage in Church and Ministry:

    • Attend church events, youth groups, retreats, and mission trips. These are great opportunities to meet like-minded individuals.

    • Observe how she serves and interacts within the church community.

  4. Prioritize Biblical Principles:

    • Seek a woman who embodies the qualities of Proverbs 31: hardworking, kind, wise, and God-fearing.

    • Study the Bible together to deepen your spiritual connection.

  5. Discuss SDA-Specific Values Early:

    • Talk about Sabbath observance, dietary choices, tithing, and Adventist eschatology to ensure alignment.

    • Share your views on raising children in the faith and other lifestyle practices.

Red Flags to Avoid

  1. Lukewarm Faith:

    • A lack of commitment to God or minimal involvement in the church could indicate differing priorities.

    • Be cautious if she only engages in church activities for appearances.

  2. Disrespect for SDA Principles:

    • Ignoring Sabbath observance, health messages (e.g., diet and lifestyle), or other foundational SDA teachings may cause long-term conflict.

  3. Inconsistent Spiritual Life:

    • Be wary of someone who professes faith but doesn't demonstrate it through her actions or choices.

    • Look for fruit in her life that reflects her relationship with Christ.

  4. Negative Influence:

    • Avoid relationships with someone who pressures you to compromise your spiritual values or leads you away from your faith.

  5. Resistance to Spiritual Growth:

    • If she’s unwilling to grow spiritually or learn more about the SDA faith, it may hinder your journey together.

Positive Signs to Look For

  1. Active in Faith and Ministry:

    • She participates actively in church and is passionate about serving others.

    • Look for someone who exemplifies Christ's love through her actions.

  2. Shared Vision for Family and Faith:

    • She desires a Christ-centered home where children are raised with SDA principles.

    • She supports and encourages your spiritual leadership as a husband.

  3. Commitment to SDA Lifestyle:

    • She honors the Sabbath, follows healthful living principles, and values a modest, simple lifestyle.

    • She appreciates the unique mission of the Adventist church.

  4. Gentleness and Patience:

    • She handles disagreements with grace and seeks peaceful resolutions, reflecting Christ’s character.

    • Look for humility and a willingness to grow together.

  5. Encourages Your Spiritual Growth:

    • She challenges you to deepen your faith and supports your walk with God.

    • A godly wife will pray with and for you regularly.

Practical Steps

  1. Focus on Sabbath Fellowship:

    • Spend time together during Sabbath hours. Discuss spiritual topics, study the Bible, or enjoy nature walks.

    • Use this time to bond spiritually and emotionally.

  2. Build Relationships in SDA Communities:

    • Get involved in local and global SDA programs like Pathfinders, Adventist Youth Society (AYS), or community outreach.

    • Network within the church to meet women with similar values.

  3. Study SDA Teachings Together:

    • Engage in Bible studies or read books by Ellen G. White to deepen mutual understanding.

    • Discuss how Adventist beliefs shape your life choices and goals.

  4. Seek Counsel and Mentorship:

    • Involve trusted pastors or spiritual mentors for guidance and insights about the relationship.

    • Premarital counseling specific to SDA couples can help address faith-based topics.

  5. Trust God’s Timing:

    • Avoid rushing. Trust that God will lead you to a wife who aligns with His plan for your life.

Relevant Scriptures to Guide You

  • Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”

  • Amos 3:3: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”

  • 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”

  • Ecclesiastes 4:9-12: “Two are better than one...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Finding a good husband

Finding a good husband within the Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) faith involves aligning with spiritual values and looking for qualities that promote a strong, God-centered marriage. Here's tailored advice for identifying a godly partner within the SDA context:

Tips and Techniques

  1. Pray for Guidance:

    • Begin the journey with prayer, asking God to lead you to the right person who shares your faith and values.

    • Trust in God’s timing and seek His will in the relationship.

  2. Prioritize Shared Faith:

    • Look for someone who is an active and committed SDA member. His love for God should be evident in his daily life, church involvement, and respect for SDA principles (e.g., Sabbath observance, healthy living).

  3. Engage in SDA Community Activities:

    • Participate in church services, Pathfinders, Bible studies, youth camps, or mission trips. These settings allow you to meet people who share your values in a natural environment.

  4. Look for Spiritual Leadership:

    • A godly husband will take initiative in leading spiritually—through prayer, Bible study, and a strong relationship with Christ.

    • He should encourage and support your spiritual growth, not just his own.

  5. Seek Compatibility Beyond Faith:

    • While shared faith is essential, ensure alignment in life goals, communication styles, family values, and personality.

    • Discuss long-term plans like children, finances, and lifestyle to ensure you’re on the same page.

Red Flags to Avoid

  1. Lukewarm Faith:

    • Be cautious of someone who attends church only out of habit or family expectation without genuine commitment to Christ.

    • A lack of spiritual depth may lead to difficulties in building a Christ-centered home.

  2. Self-Centeredness:

    • Watch for signs of selfishness, such as prioritizing his own desires over others’ needs or refusing to compromise.

    • Marriage requires mutual sacrifice and servant leadership.

  3. Disrespect for SDA Principles:

    • Someone who disregards key SDA beliefs (e.g., Sabbath-keeping, modesty, abstinence from harmful substances) may not align with your spiritual priorities.

  4. Anger or Poor Conflict Management:

    • Uncontrolled anger, verbal aggression, or avoidance of conflict resolution are red flags for a peaceful marriage.

  5. Inconsistency in Actions and Words:

    • A man who says he values faith but does not live it out (e.g., inconsistent prayer life, poor treatment of others) may lack the maturity needed for a godly partnership.

Positive Signs to Look For

  1. Strong Relationship with God:

    • He demonstrates a deep personal connection with Christ through daily devotions, prayer, and church involvement.

    • His faith influences his decision-making and relationships.

  2. Spiritual Leadership:

    • He takes initiative in spiritual matters, such as leading in prayer, encouraging family worship, and modeling Christ-like behavior.

    • Look for someone who sees marriage as a ministry partnership.

  3. Servant’s Heart:

    • A good man prioritizes serving others, whether in church, family, or the broader community.

    • Humility and a willingness to help reflect Christ’s character.

  4. Respect and Love for Family:

    • Notice how he treats his parents, siblings, and church family.

    • His ability to build positive relationships with others often mirrors how he will treat a future spouse.

  5. Dedication to Personal Growth:

    • He strives to improve spiritually, emotionally, and professionally.

    • He seeks God’s guidance in his goals and works to develop a balanced, healthy lifestyle.

  6. Kindness and Patience:

    • Look for someone who is patient, kind, and respectful, even during disagreements.

    • These qualities are key to building a loving and lasting relationship.

Practical Actions

  1. Involve Trusted Advisors:

    • Share your journey with church elders, pastors, or family members who can provide wisdom and discernment.

  2. Observe His Character Over Time:

    • Pay attention to how he handles stress, conflict, and setbacks.

    • True character is revealed in difficult situations.

  3. Focus on Friendship First:

    • Build a solid foundation of friendship to ensure compatibility.

    • Friendship allows you to observe his behavior in group settings and discern his values.

  4. Pray Together:

    • Engaging in prayer and Bible study as a couple helps you grow spiritually and understand each other’s faith journey.

  5. Align on Ministry Goals:

    • Discuss how you both view ministry in marriage. Whether it’s active involvement in church or personal outreach, ensure your visions align.

Relevant Scriptures

  1. Proverbs 18:22 – “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.”

    • This applies both ways; a godly man should see you as a blessing.

  2. 2 Corinthians 6:14 – “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.”

    • Shared faith is crucial for a harmonious marriage.

  3. Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

    • A good husband will model Christ’s sacrificial love.